Givers and Takers

I have been hearing stories lately about issues couples have been having. Some seem legitimate, while others seem petty. But no matter what the case, the issues are "real" for the people having them.

One couple, not long after the wedding were having small issues that spiraled into much larger ones. The couple being an an older one, each partner set in their daily routines, were having a hard time adjusting to living with the other. While people can be excited by their spouse and very much in love, there seems to be a point in time where the couple comes down from their cloud and confront each other on a simple and daily level. To learn peoples habits as they wake up and throughout the day can be very different than the few hours people spend together on dates. No matter how long a couple has been dating, there is nothing to prepare them for what is to come on a daily, weekly, monthly, or yearly level.

Since people do change, and adjustments are needed it is impossible to gauge how well the couple can get along on such a steady basis. The classic issue of "she squeezes the toothpaste out from the top" or "he snores like a shifting truck" are things people just don't know about when they first embark. How well people cleans up after themselves, or if he will do the dishes or expect to be pampered is not generally discussed at any point.

It is for this reason that by default, a person can only manage these situations if they know themselves and are truly honest with what they can or cannot put up with. One cannot rely on the other to give up their habits or tendencies as a means of keeping the peace.

The only solution to problems of this nature is for a person to know how much they can Give. If a person is able to picture the moment, when he comes comes home from a long day of hard work and sees his wife washing dishes or changing a child- it is at that moment that he must know how he will handle the situation. A person must know if he is the type of guy who can put aside his own feelings for a moment, and know that his wife has had to look after the children all day- no easy task by any means- and with a deep breath can put down his things and take over so that she can get a break. It's moments like that, where the stress can be high (as it often will be, let's not fool ourselves) and emotions are high, where that single action of taking over the dishes or watching the child so she can have a break can further cement a marriage above and beyond.

She will appreciate it, he will be happy that she is happy (or visa verse depending) and most importantly, the potential dangers of losing oneself and getting angry- even if by right- can be avoided.

It's about the giving of oneself. The selflessness that is so desperately needed in making a marriage become a beautiful harmony. Marriage is said to be a daily activity, not a passive status. Everyday is work. The Givers make it last and raise the level of respect and admiration and Gratitude that is healthy and crucial, the Takers struggle to push their own agenda and spend more time justifying their actions that gaining the real value they have in front of them.